SEE YOU! A brand spanking new modern fitba thread 2020/21

What you need to do is walk into Tesco after a 4 or 5 mile run on a mild night, with your hood up and your face mask on.

Then buy a few bags of kale and cheap turkey or chicken slices.

Boil that and wrap the slices about the kale.

Eat, and make bantamweight inside of a month.

 

450 gram Skyr yoghurt from tesco mate- 45 grams of protein, zero prep, fat free, portable, paletaable. Theyve been doing 3 for 3 quid, cannae whack that

 

Nah best I can manage here is 2 for £3.

I've also been told to give up the auld dairy.

I get a bit embarrassed going in looking for the cheapo deals.

Especially when you have 30 of them and they won't go through and you keep having to call the girl over because its £3 on the till and only 20p on the box.

And she's thinking "fucking homeless reprobate".

And I am thinking "if you're selling for 30p I am buying for 30p, end of"

It's also easy to pick up a load of high-calorie shit for nothing. Pesto sundried tomato pasta with cubes of Greek cheese. Prawn cocktails smothered in mayo.

Time it right and you can walk out with triple decker breakfast sandwiches. 50p down from £3. But around 400 calories.

I'd prefer if I could get kale and spinach for 20p instead of £1.80.

 

I'm positive Mino Raiola is trying to get in touch with the kid's parents.

 

He's too late. Karius already has representation.

 

Personally i get just about all my veg and chicken frozen, way cheaper. Onion, mushroom, peas, spinach, peppers, green beans. Only veg i regularly buy fresh is celery. Any combo there of, fry it with some 'lazy boy' diced garlic, add some smoked paprika or French mustard, wee bit of stock & maldon salt. Unfuckupable

 

I've come to resent time spent cooking. The old lady likes deep fried battered jumbo shrimp, spinach, cheese on cauliflower, a few chips.

Bad for Irish big belly.

I've even had to give up making the pizzas as they usually degenerate into a cheese-chorizo-sausage-flour fest.

 

They're already on lockdown #2. They locked down early and kept numbers low from the initial spread. Then, according to scientists on NHK a second wave came in from Europe and/or N. America.

 

They haven't resumed play. I didn't really consider that their "solution." They just let it be known that no matter what happens with the season, no one is getting relegated.

Today the Japanese government extended stay at home orders from May 06 to May 30.

 

There Was Some Big Talk Of A 19th League-O
But Then Along Came A Chinese Disease-O
The Scouse Had No Chinks To Harrass and Blame-O
So They Took It All Out on Poor Minamino




They Saw The Poor Lad And Delcared GONNA KILL YER
And They All Had A Go Even Boring James Milner
But They Were Slow Off The Mark And Missed Minamino
So They Settled For The Filipino-Faced Bobby Firmino.




And Even Daft Jurgen Soon Joined The Hunt
SO Bobby Took Off His Shirt And He Ran Like A Cunt
But Bobby Was Fast And He Ran Like The Wind
And So The Raging Scousers On Smug Sadio Did Descend.




By Christ He'd A Head Like A Vat Of Fine Tar
And Implicated In The Scandal He Was Really Quite Far
Added To This Were Claims Of Not Passing Mo' Ball
And So the Scousers Upon Him Did Rapaciously Fall

But Mane Was Slim Like An Ethiopian Diner
And No Fucker Did Ever Run Faster Or Finer
So The Scousers Concluded We'll Not Bother With Ya
And Instead Swarmed All Over the Hapless Salah



Now Mo Did Remember When Ramos Popped His Arm
And He Determined Right There That He Would Come To No Harm
So He Ran and He Ducked and He Dived and He Hid
And Hoped That Nobody Looked Behind His New Pyramid

But The Scousers Were Grim And Mo's Scheme They Did Test
And They Hunted and Pried And They Tried and They Pressed
Yet Just When Poor Mo's Race Was Certainly Run
The Mad Scouses Did Turn On Poor Henderson




For In Their Plight They Were Sure That He'd Had A Hand
And Besides The Daft Twat Came From Old Sunderland
His Game Was Suspect and His Passing Was Foggy
So Off They Did Set On The Poor Weeping Smoggy

But While Old Jordan Certainly Did Lack In Class
He Was Master Of The Sideways Go-Nowhere Pass
With Some Deft Lateral Movemement He Shouted A WAY OH
And So the Scousers Next Target Was Malteaser Fabinho

 

Now All The Bookies Had Fabbie Odds-On Dead
And Alluded At Short Odds To His Big Peanut Head
It's Only Cos Milners Old That He Makes The Team
And Besides He's Got A Head Like A Roast Coffee Bean

But Fabbie Had Faith And To Himself He Did Listen
Against City In November When He Played To Whistle
So He Twisted And Turned And Jumped Up Onto His Bike
And So The Gasping Mad Scousers Did Set On Van Diijk



But Virgil The Greek Was Not Quick To Scare
And He Made Good His Escape Via The Air
And His Tormentors Looked On With Faces Right Glum
And Switched Their Attack To Wile E Nandum



Sure Look At His Face It's As Chinese As Not
He's Just The Ticket- He'll Fill The Slot
But The Scousers Relented As They Recalled His Rabona
That Buried Slick Messi And His Famed Barcelona

So The Moral Is Simply It's Chrome Plate Vanadium
If It Was Any More Sensible It Would Be Pure Canadian
If The Chinese Fuck You But You Still Can't Blame Um
YOU CAN JUST GO AND KILL A STINKY ALBANIAN



But Our Boy Xerdan He Did Ought By Halves
And In Placing Great Faith On His Big Meaty Calves
He Did Draw Up A Plan To Make His Escape
Leaving The Scousers To Froth In His Milky Wake

In Desperation The Scousers Pulled Up And Waited
And To An Alternative Plan Their Minds Dedicated
We've Huffed and We've Puffed We've Tried On A Ten
Maybe The Season Will Soon Start Again

 

I miss ma Sellik. i miss stuffing cold metal whisky flasks down my pants, i miss the pigeons who live behind the broken tv screen in the roof, i miss the dated crayon marks builders left on the concrete in my section in 1995, i even miss the wee neddy bellend that stands to my right drinking buckie screaming 'DO HIM DO HIM!' constantly whether we have the baw or they do.

 

Fucking hilarious. From start to finish.

MTF

 

I'm biased, obviously, but I thought it hysterical. The second series is even better. The guy in charge is straight from the David Brent school of CEO training. You'd assume he was a parody, if it wasn't mackems...

MTF

 

No-one is playing ball here anymore, either. The jig is up. They can issue all the missives they want, but unless the bizzies are planning to arrest thousands of people, it's all meaningless shite at this point.

MTF

 

Honest to God I noticed it one morning. It just felt like a massive, silent and polite "NON" had been uttered by the collective population of London.

No rowdies. No hardcore morons trying to fight the man etc. Distances maintained but the game was up and we all knew it.

Tonight was great.

I got my Megaboom and played an Air-Raid siren non stop for 14 minutes from 17:45 to 17:49.

1 minutes silence.

Then the Big Ben Chimes.

Went back to reading "Specific Performance in Ireland" thereafter. Had zero inclination to mingle with the toffs in my street or listen to Fiona Fucking Bruce tell me what was what.

ITV4 was showing The Battle of Britain so I had that on in the background. Takka Takka Takka.

Did 20 two minute rounds on my heavybag yesterday so I felt champion all day today. Lovely heat.

 

My father is the same. His philosophy of football?

When you have the ball in the opposition half: SEND IT.

When you have the ball in your own half: GET RID OF IT.

When you don't have the ball in your own half: CLOSE HIM.

When you don't have the ball in the opposition half: RACE THE KEEPER.

Unbelievable horseshit from a guy who has watched maybe 30 full games worth of football his entire life, absolutely ROARING ORDERS at the screen.

"Ahhh go away. GO AWAY".

"For fucking professionals.........." his other great jibe.

"If I was in nets during a penalty shootout, I'd stand right on one post, then I'd know for sure what way the striker was going to send it".

These are actual quotes.

 

Mate, i've been going out every night.

Nobody gives a shit.

It's funny.

The government was scared to declare lockdown. Then scared to declare the lockdown over.

 

Ive been going out more than usual. There's just nowhere to go. My appreciation of architecture is finally coming in handy.

 

Ye’ve changed yer tune, laddie!

 

I changed my tune when I saw Neil Ferguson had changed his.

Covid played by the Zulus, the World played by the British Army.

 

I read an interesting piece by Simon Jenkins about how the galleries in central london are all locked down. I wonder how many people actually stood outside these places and admired the buildings themselves.

People often ask me if I have been inside St Pauls.

I ask them if they've ever stood outside the place and looked at it.

 

Tower Bridge never did it for me. St Pauls is class and the way it's just marooned in the skyline of shit is brilliant. Canary Wharf is nice from a distance but lets face it who wants to admire some Bankers place of work.

There's a great building just down the water from Hammersmith Bridge. You'd miss it if you weren't on the far side of the bank. Apartments now... but it mentions Harrods on the side. It was the Amazon of its time- built to store stuff too big to be stored at the store in Knightsbridge.

So basically you would wander in to Harrods and "Boy" or "Lad" would be sent down to assist you in picking out a nice 2 tonne 5 piece Malaysian Mahogany clad in rare elephant-skin leather stuffed with the feathers of 1000 ducks and tipped in the ivory of baby rhinos before being sanded down with the tears of baby seals.

Then boy and lad would be despatched with Nelly the Drey up the river to fetch down the piece. Fuck me if the pickers got that order wrong there'd be some huffing and puffing going on.

The Harrods Furniture Depository. Modern shite with a few Romanesque pretentsions tacked onto a really nice bit of brick. Apparently the "New Build" is over 100 years old and is clad in terracotta.

That's cladding that is made in a fire rather than destroys by fire.

 

AMAZON 1890




AMAZON 2020

 

Its free every day if you're into it, no closing times, no queueing, top dolla

 

So, brick porn aside, hoo are Ye rebel laddies enjoying the FREEDOM?

 

Amazing how they build around a corner in an arc.