Remake FAILS (and the few that got it right)

Once upon a time in Hollywood remaking an old movie was not the norm, but a rarity and when it happened it was usually a very serious project since it will be judged against the original and there were fans eagerly awaiting for it. Some remakes were justified as they were reintroducing classics from the silent films era like 'The Ten Commandments', 'Ben Hur', 'Cleopatra'. Others were remakes of old black & white films and were giving it not only color, but modern twists. But then starting in 1979 with success of the critically acclaimed Invasion of The Body Snatchers and the commercially successful but critic's dud Star Trek: The Motion PictureHollywood started a remaking trend that has reached ridiculous proportions today.

We are going to examine some of the worst offenders and a few that surprisingly did a great job.



Car 54, where are you? (1994)

Really? a remake of the 'beloved tv series' from 1961 that lasted TWO glorious seasons that by 1994 NO ONE had ever heard of it nor cared. This remake was incredibly bad on its own and rightly bombed miserably at the box office.



Invaders From Mars (1986)

This remake of the 1954 low budget scifi minor classic was directed by Tobe Hooper in his second straight attempt at the science fiction genre. After his blockbuster horror hit Poltergeist Hooper tried to mix horror with scifi in his original, but box office & critical fiasco, Lifeforce. Maybe in attempt of redemption he took the task of remaking 'Invaders from Mars' a film that worked because of the 50's Cold War paranoia, but by 1986 this was a different world. Even though he made this remake trying to repeat the 'Poltergeist' formula without Spielberg around to give him 'hints' with a low budget (half of what 'Lifeforce' cost) of $12 million, the result was a hit & miss affair that was vastly inferior to the original and grossed only $4 million. After two bombs in a row Hooper went back to his roots and did the sequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which also did poorly. His movie career almost over Hooper has been doing television ever since.

The Wicker Man (2006)

Nicolas Cage worst acting performance ever. A totally boring turkey with unintentional laughs. Can't hold a candle to the Christopher Lee masterpiece.

Left Behind (2014)

The Kirk Cameron 2000 low budget film was no masterpiece. In fact it was pretty bad. So any bigger budget remake will be an improvement, right? Wrong! Nicolas Cage again collecting a paycheck in an awful remake so bad it killed the franchise and made Kirk Cameron look good.


The Stepford Wives (2004)
It had a stellar cast (Nicole Kidman, Glenn Close, Christopher Walken, Mathew Broderick, etc). It had a good director. It was based on a well known 70's scifi paranoia film. What could go wrong? Well, maybe the fact that it was made for laughs and it wasn't funny...at all?



Bewitched (2005)
Yup. Nicole Kidman again in another remake (she has made quite a few), but to be honest she was good here. It was Will Ferrell that killed this film by his diva demand to make his character the main focus of the film which was the opposite of the tv series. Everything was wrong with the plot and even judged on its own merits it is pretty lame. Too bad because Kidman nailed the Samantha role and there was enough fandom for a potential successful franchise as even this horrendous borefest grossed $131 million worldwide, but that was not enough to recoup its budget.



Arthur (2011)

Russell Brand is no Duddley Moore and since alcoholism isn't funny anymore in this era, they turned the character into a 'man-child'. We have a less politically correct term: RETARDED...just like the whole damned film.



Rollerball (2002)

What made memorable the 1975 James Caan film was its socio-political themes. This version thought audiences were too dumb to care for that and eliminated that aspect from the plot. The result: 3% rotten rating and a colossal box office flop.

 

Other dishonorable mentions (way too many to choose to be honest):

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

The Honeymooners (2005)

Clash of The Titans (2010)

Death Race (2008)

The A-Team (2010)

Conan The Barbarian (2011)

Robocop (2013)

 

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (2005)

The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009)

The Jackal (1997)

The Italian Job (2006)



You know what? Pretty much every remake is fucking shit.

 

Got it right:

The Untouchables

Mission: Impossible

Cat People (1982)

Invasion of The Boy Snatchers (1979)

The Brady Bunch Movie

King Kong (2005)

The Maltese Falcon (1941)

The Ten Commandments (1956)

The Thing (1982)

True Lies (1994)

The Departed

True Grit (2010)

War of The Worlds (2005)

Casino Royale (2006)

 

Planet of the apes (2001). Shit.

 

It had great make-up and Estella Warren was insanely hot, but yes it was an abysmal failure. Tim Burton was the wrong director and Mark Wahlberg the wrong lead. It still made $369 million worldwide.

 

Worst that comes to mind is Psycho. The Vince Vaughn version is just an embarrassment to the Anthony Perkins version.

 

Total Recall was a mediocre, at best, remake.

I thought the Robocop remake was decent. Certainly nothing special or memorable, but decent enough of a watch. I'd give it a 6/10.

I don't know about this Point Break remake coming out. Maybe it will be decent. It was already remade anyway when it was called Fast and the Furious (far inferior to Point Break).

 

It was a pointless film and the best case for the argument to leave the classics alone: why do a scene-by-scene reenactment of the original? just because it was going to be in color? that was lazy, uninspired direction by an overhyped indie director. That plus Vince Vaughn was the wrong actor for the role of Norman Bates (not to mention the then recently out of the closet and all around wacko Ann Heche who was way inferior than Janet Leigh).

 

I never saw Michelangelo Antonioni's "Blow Up", but Brian De Palma's "Blow Out" is said to be a loose remake of it.

Blow Out is a terrific movie.

 

Every Planet of the Apes movie after the original 5 is shit.

TFK

 

Dude, Blow Up is a fucking great movie.

 

This is considered blasphemy in horror circles, but I thought the remake of Dawn of the Dead was much better than the original.

The Oceans 11 remake has none of the charm or coolness of the original.

The Albert Finney version of a Christmas Carol, Scrooge, is the best version made. But by far the worst remake of anything Christmas related?

Right here...


[video=youtube;V_iXec1Drcc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_iXec1Drcc[/video]


TFK

 

Most remakes fail.

Worst ones are:

Clash of the Titans
Never say never again
Planet of the Apes
Robocop


Got it right:

The Incredible Hulk (If that's counted as a remake)
The Jackal
Cape Fear
King Kong

 

:scratcher:

That movie was shit then and looks far worse now.

 

I forgot about Clash of The Titans. Yeah, remake was fucking HORRRRRRRRIBLE.

 

Got it right:

Night Of The Living Dead (1990)
Village Of The Damned (1995)
The Blob (1988)


By the way apparently a new Blob film starring Sam Jackson is in preproduction. No word if it's being directed by Quentin Terrintino.

 

and is getting yet another remake with an all female cast lead by Rhianna, Ann Hathaway, Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchet, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and Nora Lum which will be oddly titled 'Ocean's Ocho' regardless that there isn't a single Latina on its cast. Another brilliant idea from WB.

Chaninng Tatum will star in a remake of 'SPLASH!'...he will play a Merman alm: